I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
