I am in a vortex of obligation.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
