I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
