It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
