My cat gives me a boner
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
