i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
