Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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