My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
