I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
