remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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