finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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