is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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