I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I will die if light touches me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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