eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
