Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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