Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
