Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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