I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
