I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
