I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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