After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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