I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
