hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
