but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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