i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
