filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
