grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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