I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
