never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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