im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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