sorry about calling you the devil all night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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