I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
