Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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