I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
