I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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