I looked at my own cervix.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
