i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
