I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
