i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
