Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
