My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
