Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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