TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
