On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize