I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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