Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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