I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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