You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
