I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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