1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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