i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
