im six kinds of drunk right now
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
