I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
