Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
